I’ll Get My Coat

I tried doing stand-up once…. It went okay but I don’t think my nerves could cope with doing it again. I did a skit about my supposed resemblance to Wayne Rooney….

Where have you gone?….. Oh I know…. you’ve scrolled back a few pages to ‘Please Sir’ to see if I do look like him, I must a bit, as several people have said it, in fact one woman followed me down an airport departure lounge to get an autograph…..

Anyway back to comedy, inspired by Tim Vines Edinburgh Fringe winning ‘Hoover’ joke, I’ve written a few one liners……


What do you get if you cross D.J Psy and Dorothy from ‘The Wizard of Oz’?…..

Gingham Style


Why did the chicken cross the road?…..

Who gives a cluck?


A retired Cavalry Officer has opened a barbers in our town, twenty quid for a haircut though… He knows how to charge.


And my favourite

I missed a programme on Tele about Tomatoes earlier, but I’ll watch it later on Ketchup…..


Boom…….. Tish………


Photo credit: Kjetil Ree (Wikipedia)


Am-Dram…. Darling Luvvy…..

I love Amateur Dramatics (Am-Dram), for the same price as a cinema ticket you can watch real theatre, performed by people who are doing it for the love of it not for financial gain…. rather than celluloid (or digital) copies of over paid/under talented ‘stars’ (not all famous actors are like that of course….. R.I.P the late great Robin Williams….. I’d love to see the hours and hours of unused material from Good Morning Vietnam that ended up on the proverbial cutting room floor…. Anyway back to Am-Dram).

The costumes are made by relatives, the sets painted by art students, the props lent/donated by local businesses and the end result is magical…..

I’ve seen Calamity Jane, Singin’ in the rain, Scrooge and a magnificent production of Willy Russell’s original duologue play ‘Educating Rita’ the atmosphere was electric in the auditorium… the hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end for the whole play… Would I have got that at the multiplex cinema watching ‘Mega-Death Robots 6 …… This time they’re kicking arse’ or something with a similar banal title and plot. No I don’t think so either….

The standing ovation ‘The Professor’ and ‘Rita’ got was well deserved and the bows by the two actors were taken with pride, appreciation and true passion.

Another good thing about Am-Dram is the bar…. For the price of a bucket of popcorn and a Cola at the cinema, you can have a cracking pint and a glass of wine complete with a natter at the interval.

Another reason I love Am-Dram is (trying to keep myself from entering ‘Smug Mode’) I had a couple of short plays staged by a local ‘Not for Profit’ Theatre company. They were 10-15 minutes each and presented in two different collections of plays by local writers. I received no payment…. but the joy of seeing my work unfold in front of me kept me on a high for weeks. Both were performed in two venues…. Does that make it a tour? (sorry delusions of grandeur slipped in there)

Were they any good? The Director and actors thought so but you can judge for Yourself as I’ve provided the script to one here….  Ruthless Ruth

I might have blown any chances of Hollywood coming knocking on my door by slagging off actors and cinemas ….. Ah well never mind….. I wouldn’t have written for them anyway as a matter of principle…… (only kidding Mr Spielberg and Mr Tarantino…. Please use the contact form……)